If Chuck Norris is the IRS

In this alternate universe, Chuck Norris doesn’t fight the tax system – he IS the tax system. Here’s what happens when the legendary action star becomes the ultimate tax authority.

Audit Powers

1. When Chuck Norris conducts an audit, taxpayers voluntarily amend returns from their past lives.
2. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to request documentation. Documents materialize out of fear.
3. Chuck Norris can spot unreported income before it’s even earned.
4. When Chuck Norris reviews a tax return, even the staples confess their sins.
5. Chuck Norris’s audit letters are delivered before they’re written.

Collection Authority

6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need liens or levies. Bank accounts empty themselves voluntarily.
7. When Chuck Norris imposes penalties, even compound interest gets compounded interest.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to file Notice of Federal Tax Liens. Property records update themselves at the thought.
9. When Chuck Norris initiates collections, taxpayers start paying their future years’ taxes too.
10. Chuck Norris’s collection notices are so powerful, they collect themselves.

Tax Court Dominance

11. When Chuck Norris appears in Tax Court, cases settle themselves before he enters the building.
12. Chuck Norris doesn’t need expert witnesses. Facts testify themselves.
13. When Chuck Norris presents evidence, even opposing counsel’s objections sustain themselves.
14. Chuck Norris’s briefs are so convincing, they become instant tax law precedents.
15. When Chuck Norris enters a motion, the court rules in his favor before he finishes typing.

Regulatory Authority

16. Chuck Norris doesn’t write regulations. He stares at the Internal Revenue Code until it rewrites itself.
17. When Chuck Norris issues Revenue Rulings, even Congress takes notes.
18. Chuck Norris’s Private Letter Rulings are so authoritative, they automatically become public law.
19. When Chuck Norris interprets tax treaties, other countries’ tax laws conform automatically.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t need Treasury Regulations. The Treasury asks him for regulations.

Technology Mastery

21. Chuck Norris’s e-file system accepts returns before they’re prepared.
22. When Chuck Norris updates IRS systems, even COBOL modernizes itself.
23. Chuck Norris doesn’t need data analytics. Numbers analyze themselves in his presence.
24. When Chuck Norris logs into IRS systems, even legacy code debugs itself.
25. Chuck Norris’s digital signature has more authority than the actual tax code.

Administrative Power

26. Chuck Norris’s determination letters determine themselves.
27. When Chuck Norris processes refunds, the Treasury prints new money out of respect.
28. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to verify EINs. EINs verify themselves to Chuck Norris.
29. When Chuck Norris reviews exempt applications, organizations achieve public charity status before applying.
30. Chuck Norris’s hold music is so authoritative, taxpayers resolve their issues just by listening.

International Reach

31. Chuck Norris doesn’t need tax treaties. Other countries’ tax systems voluntarily comply.
32. When Chuck Norris enforces FATCA, foreign banks report accounts they don’t even have.
33. Chuck Norris’s subpoenas are honored even in countries that don’t exist yet.
34. When Chuck Norris investigates offshore accounts, oceans become onshore.
35. Chuck Norris doesn’t need information exchange agreements. Information exchanges itself.

Ultimate Authority

36. Chuck Norris’s tax assessments are so final, even the concept of appeal surrenders.
37. When Chuck Norris reviews offers in compromise, pennies on the dollar become dollars on the penny.
38. Chuck Norris doesn’t need the Taxpayer Advocate. Problems advocate for themselves to be solved.
39. When Chuck Norris grants extensions, time itself files Form 4868.
40. Chuck Norris’s authority is so absolute, even tax protestors voluntarily comply.