When Chuck Norris Does Accounting

Ever wondered what happens when Chuck Norris trades his roundhouse kicks for a calculator? Here’s what occurs when the martial arts legend steps into the world of accounting.

Balance Sheet Mastery

1. Chuck Norris’s balance sheets always balance. Even before he enters the transactions.
2. When Chuck Norris does accounting, assets voluntarily equal liabilities plus equity.
3. Chuck Norris never needs to reconcile bank statements. The bank reconciles its statements to match Chuck Norris’s books.
4. Chuck Norris’s trial balances are never out of balance. They wouldn’t dare.
5. When Chuck Norris posts an entry, it posts itself to both sides of the ledger out of fear.

Audit Excellence

6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need audit evidence. The evidence volunteers itself.
7. When Chuck Norris performs an audit, materiality thresholds don’t matter. Everything is material to Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris never needs to verify subsequent events. Future events adjust themselves to match his predictions.
9. Chuck Norris’s audit opinions are always unqualified. Because no company dares to have irregularities in his presence.
10. When Chuck Norris requests confirmation letters, they arrive before he asks.

Tax Season Supremacy

11. Chuck Norris doesn’t prepare tax returns. The IRS sends him a completed return for approval.
12. When Chuck Norris calculates depreciation, assets appreciate instead.
13. Chuck Norris never needs extensions. Tax deadlines extend themselves when they see him coming.
14. Chuck Norris’s tax planning strategies are so effective, they’re legal in jurisdictions that don’t exist yet.
15. The alternative minimum tax doesn’t apply to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris applies to the alternative minimum tax.

Software Mastery

16. When Chuck Norris uses QuickBooks, it becomes QuickestBooks.
17. Chuck Norris doesn’t need Excel shortcuts. Excel shortcuts need Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris’s spreadsheets never have circular references. The references form perfect squares out of respect.
19. When Chuck Norris uses accounting software, it debugs itself.
20. Chuck Norris doesn’t need cloud backup. The cloud backs itself up to Chuck Norris.

GAAP and IFRS Wisdom

21. Chuck Norris doesn’t follow GAAP or IFRS. GAAP and IFRS follow Chuck Norris.
22. When Chuck Norris makes an accounting policy, it becomes a generally accepted principle.
23. Chuck Norris can make principles-based and rules-based standards agree.
24. Chuck Norris’s footnotes are actually headnotes, because nothing goes below Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris issues financial statements, they’re automatically SEC compliant.

Month-End Closing

26. Chuck Norris can close the books while they’re still being written.
27. When Chuck Norris performs month-end closing, the month waits to end.
28. Chuck Norris never has unrecorded liabilities. Liabilities record themselves out of fear.
29. Chuck Norris’s adjusting entries adjust themselves.
30. When Chuck Norris reconciles accounts, differences reconcile themselves.

Professional Development

31. Chuck Norris’s CPE credits multiply themselves.
32. Chuck Norris passed the CPA exam by just walking into the examination center.
33. When Chuck Norris attends accounting conferences, the speakers learn from him.
34. Chuck Norris’s timesheets always add up to exactly eight hours. Time itself adjusts to match.
35. Chuck Norris doesn’t need professional skepticism. Fraud confesses itself in his presence.

Client Relations

36. Chuck Norris never needs to send payment reminders. Clients pay before the invoice is generated.
37. When Chuck Norris requests missing documents, they materialize instantly.
38. Chuck Norris’s clients never miss deadlines. Deadlines miss Chuck Norris.
39. Chuck Norris doesn’t need engagement letters. Clients engage themselves.
40. When Chuck Norris does client meetings, the minutes take themselves.