Investment banking is serious business – unless Chuck Norris is involved. Here’s what happens when the legendary action star steps into the world of high finance.
Contents
The Legend Begins
- Chuck Norris doesn’t pitch to clients. Clients pitch to Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris leads a roadshow, the road actually moves.
- Chuck Norris’s DCF models are always right. Even for companies that don’t exist yet.
- Chuck Norris can complete an IPO during market holidays.
- Chuck Norris’s Excel shortcuts have Excel shortcuts.
Market Mastery
- When Chuck Norris rings the opening bell at NYSE, it stays rung for a week.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need Bloomberg Terminal. Bloomberg Terminal needs Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’s investment thesis can fit on a Post-it note. And it’s still more comprehensive than your 100-page pitch book.
- Chuck Norris never experiences deal fatigue. Deal fatigue experiences Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can execute a hostile takeover with just a stern look.
Financial Wizardry
- Chuck Norris’s financial models don’t need to be stress-tested. They stress-test themselves.
- When Chuck Norris does a company valuation, the company’s value actually changes to match his estimate.
- Chuck Norris can find comparables for unique assets.
- Chuck Norris’s pitch books write themselves. In PowerPoint 97.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to build consensus. Consensus builds itself around Chuck Norris.
Deal-Making Prowess
- Chuck Norris can close a deal before it’s even announced.
- When Chuck Norris conducts due diligence, skeletons leave the closet voluntarily.
- Chuck Norris never has to revise his fairness opinion.
- Chuck Norris’s term sheets are accepted before they’re read.
- Chuck Norris can structure a deal so complex that even tax lawyers say “seems straightforward.”
Office Legend
- Chuck Norris’s analyst models never need to be checked for circular references.
- Chuck Norris never needs to format cells. Excel formats itself in his presence.
- When Chuck Norris makes a market call, the market listens.
- Chuck Norris’s org charts are always flat. Because no one dares to be above Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to network. His network finds him.
Technical Excellence
- Chuck Norris’s VLOOKUPs never return #N/A.
- Chuck Norris can merge two companies using only INDEX MATCH.
- Chuck Norris’s pivot tables pivot themselves.
- Chuck Norris never needs to reconcile numbers. Numbers reconcile themselves in fear.
- Chuck Norris can complete an MD&A section with just one sentence.
Beyond Banking
- Chuck Norris’s business cards don’t have phone numbers. They have surrender terms.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t need to build a book. The book builds itself.
- Chuck Norris’s coffee never gets cold during all-nighters.
- Chuck Norris can deliver bad news to the board without a deck.
- When Chuck Norris calls for market stabilization, the market stabilizes immediately.
Regulatory Mastery
- Chuck Norris doesn’t file with the SEC. The SEC files with Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris’s regulatory filings approve themselves.
- When Chuck Norris does KYC, he already knows your customer.
- Chuck Norris never needs to worry about compliance. Compliance worries about Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can make SOX compliance enjoyable.
